Bobbi Kristina Brown - One of too many

Bobbi Kristina was conceived out of trauma and will have experienced trauma in the womb. Bobbi Kristina was born in to, and raised around, parental trauma. Bobbi Kristina was exposed to domestic violence, substance dependency, chaos, fear, unpredictability and emotionally absent adult carers. Bobbi Kristina lived her whole life with trauma and will have lived in a state of high anxiety and died in a most tragic way, alone, cold and very, very scared. Bobbi Kristina is one of far too many.

UNICEF’S Report on children and domestic violence, Behind Closed Doors

The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children, tells us,

The numbers estimated by the research are staggering. As many as

275 million children worldwide are exposed to violence in the home.

This range is a conservative estimate based on the limitations of the

available data. In actuality, millions more children may be affected by violence

in the home.

For Bobbi Kristina’s life to have true meaning we need to learn the lessons she bravely battled every day to show us.

• Trauma has a genetic component.
•  Trauma IS inter-generational BUT  the environment and care a tiny baby and child receive can make all the difference.
•  Talking about, and understanding, what childhood trauma is and does must be part of daily life if we are to save other children.
• It is possible to live well beyond childhood trauma as we have the capacity to integrate the trauma BUT the right understanding early on is IMPORTANT.
• EVERYONE needs to be ‘trauma informed’ in our communities.
• Early trauma is not ‘game over’ but it can cause mental illness, physical illness and rob a child of their potential.
• No one should work with children, young people or parents or carers UNLESS they understand early trauma and attachment.

What do children like Bobbi Kristina need from us? 

If we choose to work, or have contact with, children, young people and families then we will have be with children who live with domestic violence and abuse. Basic requirements must be that we know what trauma looks like and sounds like in a baby, toddler, child, young person and adult.

Having worked around trauma for 21 years, now I can see trauma it in faces and bodies and hear it in voices. I have worked hard, and continue to do so every day, to understand  the impact of early, developmental trauma.  It isn’t easy but I feel I have a duty to continue with this if I am to work safely and effectively with the vulnerable parents, carers, children and young people’s lives I touch.

The other thing I do is talk about childhood trauma when and wherever I can, as a speaker and trainer, on TV, the Radio but also the train, plane, at the shops, in the park……yes party invitations are few and far between! However, I feel I have to as so many traumatised children and adults are suffering and being judged rather than being helped. Children are still seen as ‘problem kids’, babies as manipulative and adults as ‘nightmares’. Trauma needs compassion not criticism.

I don’t know what or who tried to support Bobbi Kristina’s trauma. I know from reading and studying the effects of developmental trauma that support must be body based to begin with as that is where we store our trauma. Often it is ‘talking therapies’ but these need to have a big element of integrating and working with the body’s trauma to be effective.

Now so much is known about what trauma from pre-birth onwards does to the developing brain and body and how a lack of understanding and trauma-informed intervention, or the wrong label, can be catastrophic. Bobbi Kristina is proof that this knowledge is not yet freely shared, accessed and applied. This MUST be the change.

Please Sam Think Again About the Three Day Nanny!!

The first episode of Channel 4’s Three Day Nanny Series proved ‘interesting’! I tweeted a great deal during it to offer another view to the approach being used as it was VERY ‘behaviour’ focused. By that I mean it showed that to get a child to listen you just need to use ‘reward bricks’, to stop unwanted behaviour, time out by a wall, in a bedroom and on a stair will do it, even though the children who were aged 3 years and under. It seemed to ‘work’ but at what cost? What might do I do differently when I work with a family and why?

Reviewing the programme in the Guardian, Sam Wollaston, a parent, felt on balance he would use the Three Day Nanny and that is what worries me! There are no quick fixes in parenting, it’s about building a long-term relationship with a child of respect, acceptance and compassion so they are able to develop good mental health and go on to be the ‘best version of themselves’.

The main difference in my parenting work is that I focus upon the parents, their behaviours, reactions and needs, and the relationship they have built with their children, and each other. First and foremost I use questions from my Parenting Impacted by Trauma Fink Cards to shape our conversations. It’s not that I necessarily believe they have experienced early childhood trauma such as, domestic violence, adult mental illness, substance dependency or harsh parenting, but the questions provide opportunities to identify early anxiety, stress and disconnections for the parents in their childhoods and with their children now.

For example I might ask:

Q. Did anything make building a relationship with your child difficult?

Having time to reflect and unpick the earliest part of a child’s life is crucial as it lays the foundation for the most important relational experience in a child’s life and is the way their early brain development starts. If a parent is depressed, exhausted and overwhelmed then that is what they will show to their baby and this can make things hard for both of them as they may not get much comfort from being close to each other. All of this will appear in a child’s behaviour and ability to cope with difficulties and relationships.

Q. Who was in charge of discipline when you were a child?

Exploring who, as a child, was the person to avoid, or keep happy, when things had gone wrong, what they did as a punishment, and how it felt as a child, is not about blame. However, it does shine a light on the parent’s early brain development and messages about what is acceptable and what happens when rules are broken or there is ‘bad behaviour’ which often shapes the parenting of their own children.

Q. How do you know when you are anxious?

Parenting causes anxiety in everyone at some point! Being aware of how much we take in to daily interactions with our children can be very helpful in understanding what that does to our behaviour and thinking and how that impacts our child.

Much of my early work with parents is looking at what has got them and their children this far, what influences there have been and still are and what they want to change. I offer insight into brain and child development and then simple ways of parenting children which fit with this knowledge. We also are curious about using a ‘double standard’ in how we react to and treat children as it is often in ways we don’t appreciate, and would not use with another adult.

Calmness and emotional connection are the key elements for all parenting as they offer the optimum conditions for a child to be able to learn which creates space for clear, yet compassionate, correction to come in.  I use and share simple current brain science with parents, which the Three Day Nanny does not preferring to continue with an outdated focus on science from the days of Pavlov’s dogs, Skinner’s rats and pigeons in boxes and J. B. Watson’s white rat.

We know better than this now, and those of us who earn our living doing, writing and speaking about how to raise children need to ‘up our game’! It’s time to use the latest, not the most familiar research, to offer parents and their children the best opportunities. 

So please Sam Wollaston, think again!! 

Jane Evans regularly speaks, trains, appears in the media and writes internationally on the impact of childhood trauma on  parenting, children's behaviour, and those who care for and educate them.

To contact her about your needs:
E: janeevans61@hotmail.co.uk
M: 07455281247
T: 01249 721104

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Domestic violence - do we need to look beyond the old discourse of 'power and control'????

As someone who has been in abusive relationships without realising it at the time, or for some long time afterwards, and subsequently having spent many, many years working with families impacted by domestic violence and abuse. I find it hard to remain as part of the myth and illusion that it's 'all about power and control'. To my mind that is a 'lazy' assessment which does not get to the heart of the inter generational nature of domestic violence and abuse.

Power and control IS what is primarily used in abusive relationships to induce fear of abandonment, physical and/or sexual assault, loss of much needed money and/or food/heating and other daily basics. Mental and emotional abuse are also very commonly employed to bring a victim to such a place of confusion, isolation, self-loathing, dependency, self-doubt and isolation that they can't think clearly for a moment. Likewise threats to harm children and pets unless there is absolute compliance and submission, and/or encouraging or forcing children into ridiculing and abusing their own parent are all ACTS of power and control are also common.

However, I believe that with out a heightened, research informed curiosity as to why a perpetrator would act to keep someone in a 'relationship' by exercising fear then 'affection', desire then rejection, terror then treats, then there will never be much real hope of reducing domestic violence. Attachment theory and the neuroscience and biology of trauma gives clear insight behind and beyond the long-term feminist perspective of 'power and control', so it seems vital to extend our thinking in order to save lives.

In all my work I rely upon an authentic curiosity as to what relational information and experiences lie behind the presenting issues and problems.  With out this I would not be of much use to those struggling to manage and make sense of child to parent violence and other complex family related difficulties. Likewise, I strongly believe we should be looking at the attachment and childhood trauma journey of those who perpetrate violence and abuse in intimate relationships to understand their thinking, emotional needs and actions. Now, I am not seeking ways to excuse violent and abusive behaviour, but I am minded to look at it with my 'trauma glasses' on in order to understand it, and so should the rest of the world!!

We learn everything of importance about our self-worth and how to relate to others within our initial relationships with our main carers. Emotional distance or rejection, anxiety and irritation, unpredictability or harshness cause a baby's brain to experience stress and fear which has a profound impact at the outset.

Levy & Orlans (2014) tell us:

Children with a history of interpersonal trauma are at risk of developing aggressive, controlling, and conduct-disordered behaviors, which contributes to the development of an anti-social personality.

Repeating endlessly that domestic violence is about 'POWER & CONTROL' fails to address what victims and their children REALLY need to be safe and move forward together, so this must change. Post the violence and abuse they need 'trauma informed' support to be able to understand and integrate the impact of the trauma so they can then live beyond it.

Parents must have parenting support which focuses on the relationships they have and want to build with their children as that is what domestic violence steals from them on a daily basis. A clear focus on enabling healthy parent-child interactions offers the best hope of interrupting the cycle of accidentally raising the next generation of victims and perpetrators in intimate relationships but also in child to parent violence.

These are bold statements I know, but seeing the same things for 21 years has led me to this unequivocal stand point - we MUST look beyond simple 'POWER & CONTROL' to end domestic violence now, not in 1 or 2 years time, the research is clear. If not, then many more will have experienced unimaginable suffering by then and their will be more lost lives. It's time to wake up and change the discourse and direction of addressing the route causes of domestic violence and abuse as its long overdue.

To access support & advice - search for the domestic violence helpline in your country but do so carefully, ask a friend or family member to do it if that is a safer option:

Domestic violence helpline USA

Domestic violence resource centre Victoria Australia-wide services

National domestic violence helpline UK


For more information on my work around childhood trauma and my early years story book for children impacted by domestic violence visit my website

Parenting impacted by trauma - why pry?

Why cards for parenting conversations?

When I became a parent 24 years ago I found it overwhelming, amazing, overwhelming, emotional, overwhelming, magical.....well you get the picture! I was amazed at just how important it was for me to do my child 'no harm' emotionally as well as physically, so much so that it led me into working with children and families for the rest of my days. Since then I have had the very great privilege to work with birth and adoptive parents, and foster and kinship carers. Even when I have been in 'rescuing' or 'fix it' mode, I have learned a great deal from them which has shaped the work I do now. 

I have taken, and continue to take, all I hear, see and feel in my direct work  and combine it with my ongoing self-education on how the effects of developmental trauma and complex attachment shape a child's developing body and brain. 

Why look at the 'Why'? 

Because being curious and open to being taught, with a good does of humility, has given me the greatest insight into what both children and adults have to bring to a complex child-parent relationship which, for good or ill, will be the most important relationship they will ever have. I have discovered on this 24 year journey that to work with the adult who is struggling with their child's behaviour and their sense of 'getting it all wrong', I need to understand more than 'what's not working' and then give them strategies to 'dog train' their child into compliance. It is vital to have information about what they both bring to their relationship and certain key questions can shed light on this, much like a torch in a deep, dark, scary well at midnight on a Winter's night!

Why pry?

Understanding what lies behind the distance, disconnection and even sometimes, seeming dislike within a child-parent relationship is so important. For those working in this sphere it's essential to know something about the adults' earliest years and the care they experienced as it is riven with clues and insight into the current disconnect with their child. 

Why THESE cards?

Work with parents and carers is always complex as you have the child's behaviour to consider, the disrupted relationship, the adults template for raising children, their childhood experiences and how their brain and body have been shaped by these, along with the experiences that have shaped their child's developing survival and social systems. Creating my Parenting Impacted by Trauma Fink Cards has given me the opportunity to provide a tool for practitioners to use for this complex direct the work. The Fink Cards are a way to introduce, what I have found to be pivotal conversations with parents and carers, using a 3rd party tool which feels less direct and can reduce anxieties. These questions and vital conversations are so often the 'missing torch' to gradually light the way out for both parent and child from that in a deep, dark, scary well at midnight on a Winter's night!

To find out more and to order your own pack/s visit: 

Parenting Impacted by Trauma Fink Cards

Why are children so distressed and stressed that its costing them their mental health?

Headteachers say mental health issues among children are a growing problem in schools

This deeply concerning headline appeared in the Independent today but, it could just as easily be in newspapers in several countries around the World, sadly. The article goes on to say:

An annual survey conducted by The Key, an organisation providing management support to schools, found that more than two-thirds (67 per cent) of respondents said they were worried about their pupils’ mental health.

This contrasted sharply with a similar survey last year, where 14 per cent of heads were concerned about this.

A look by UNICEF in 2007 at, 'A comprehensive assessment of the lives and well-being of children and adolescents in the economically advanced nations', found:

The United Kingdom and the United States find themselves in the bottom third of the rankings for five of the six dimensions reviewed.

Whilst statistics from Young Minds tell us:

There has been a big increase in the number of young people being admitted to hospital because of self harm. Over the last ten years this figure has increased by 68%

There is often much head scratching, beard stroking, brow furrowing and some finger pointing at this point when such statistics emerge. What is going on? Why are our children so stressed and distressed? Is it the parents? The schools? Are the children too privileged? Too poor? 

Many point to the ridiculous amount of testing, measuring and assessing now heaped upon children from start to finish. However, subtly its done, it does not take account of the pressure the parents feel to ensure their children 'do well' so they are not disadvantaged as life IS very competitive now. 

Add to that the pressure on families for both parents to work, via benefit cuts and incentives. The expectation that women will give birth and return to work 'as soon as' because their is ongoing evidence of how their careers are impacted and the double standards that STILL exist in the workplace. 

Children spend more time in the care of professionals now and then often come home to stressed, exhausted parents trying to do their best to ensure homework is done, cakes are produced for sales, PE kit, trip money, equipment for various projects, attendance at school information evenings, some kind of social life and the temptation to check work emails and seek solace in social media! 

The amount of time just 'being', chatting, rather that running through a checklist, sharing feelings in the long rambling, heading off in another direction then returning via exploring why kittens are called 'kittens' and not 'cattens' can be overlooked. Children are primarily wired to be emotional and relational beings so they need regular soothing, unpacking and processing of their emotions. That is how they learn to be less overwhelmed by them, to recognise what they are feeling, where in their bodies they might feel it and how to put it into words, that is the foundation of good mental health for life. Regularly having feelings based conversations in daily life isn't hard to do for most people and there are some great simple books about feelings available now. However, it does need to be a priority for every home, early years setting and school in the land, now and always.

For more information on Jane:

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Jessica Kingsley Author:

Kit Kitten & the Topsy-Turvy Feelings

How are you feeling today Baby Bear?

Parenting Impacted by Trauma Fink Cards

Why do I need trauma integration and yoga??!!

   

Ongoing exposure to trauma

Frontline work in areas such as, domestic violence, teaching, substance dependency, home visiting, homelessness, counselling and therapy with children and young people and adults who are physically ill, mentally ill, long-term unemployed, children in care, care leavers, parents, kinship and foster carers, adoptive parents means repeated exposure to their trauma.

Many of us who do this work play little attention to the toll it takes on us as there is:

• ·         No time
• ·         Limited knowledge
• ·         No interest
• ·         No one to acknowledge it
• ·         An organisational climate of ‘toughness’ as a ‘badge of honour’
• ·         NO TIME!!

Why does this matter?

Exposure to repetitive trauma means a survival system that is attuned to the emotional state of others and sensitivity to the tone of voice, facial cues, the tension in them, and the energy they give off. Living with fear and unpredictability with little access to emotional and physical safety or stability means the body and brains survival system becomes uncomfortably ‘alert’. A practitioner needs to understand what this can look like.

Slight changes in the tension of the brow, wrinkles around the eyes, curvature of the lips, and angle of the neck quickly signal to us how comfortable, suspicious, relaxed, or frightened someone is……Just so the muscles of our own faces give others clues about how calm or excited we feel, whether our heart is racing or quiet   (Van der Kolk, 2014)

It also matters a great deal because it makes many front line practitioners ill! Stress and anxiety are all too common in frontline workers, although often only whispered about. Self-medication often looks like, smoking, drinking, and eating crap, eating nothing, over-working, and many other unhealthy practices to feel less stressed and to avoid emotional processing and overload.

What can we do?

A huge change in my practice has come about because I work hard to check in with myself and regulate my emotional state before I sit down with, or speak with, ANYONE I am supporting. I take calmness into sessions and find I am able to be less reactive and so offer more informed support. It’s ongoing and the people I work with teach me a great deal and this is what I want to share, along with a more technical insight into the impact of trauma.

Why yoga?

The Trauma Awareness and Integration Course will offer simple, accessible practices to do in the car, corridor, loo, at your desk and at home which just allow a moment to check out your emotional ‘state’, to regulate it and to access a sense of calmness. Yoga is emerging as a great way to address stress, anxiety and trauma, although this has been known for a very long time there is now research being done into why. What is coming to the forefront is that trauma is stored in our bodies first and foremost therefore it needs to be addressed at this level rather than by trying to rationalise or intellectualise it!

..our understanding of the body’s response to trauma has brought encouraging news. It is possible to intervene directly in the body’s difficult state of hyper arousal. We now know that we can intentionally and systematically intervene in the body’s own alarm systems and begin to turn them down. (Emmerson & Hopper, 2011)

As someone who has spent gazillions of years trying to self-medicate and intellectualise my stress, anxiety and trauma in order to be a good practitioner and human being, discovering simple mindful yoga, meditation and other easy practices has changed EVERYTHING!!

Join Claire Murphy of Santosha Studios and me to begin your journey to the information and well-ness you deserve for yourself and those you support.

This course will offer insight into:

• what repetitive trauma is and why it matters
• how childhood exposure to trauma shapes brain and body development
• what it can look and feel like live and work with
• ways of recognising secondary trauma
• simple practices to regulate trauma in self and clients
• a more trauma informed way to practice and care

More information is available on my Events page and via email: janeevans61@hotmail.co.uk

Early Bird rate until JULY 31ST

Emmerson, D &Hopper, E 2011 Overcoming Trauma through Yoga, North Atlantic Books

Van der Kolk, B, 2014 The Body Keeps the Score, Viking

How much sand will we need if we are to keep burying our heads in it when it comes to the effects of childhood trauma?

In 10 years’ time I wonder if the children growing up now, who are impacted by family, community and school violence and abuse, in years to come will be thinking about suing for not being protected from it? They may rightly demand to know why, at a time when so much was known about the harm exposure to this repetitive trauma, threat and abuse was doing to them as a child, they were not kept safe and afterwards they were often seen as 'the problem'. After all, cigarette companies have been sued by people for not being clear about the dangers smoking posed once it was known, so what is the difference?

Even a glance at the findings from the long established Adverse Childhood Studies research should make us all sit up and take stock and, more importantly, act! Why? Because we know the worst kind of abuse for a child is that which takes place within the relationships that matter most and in circumstances where children are powerless to escape or resist in any way. Think smacking, endless shouting and criticism, repeated threats of being harmed, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, harsh parenting and neglect, especially emotional neglect.

So, why do we ALL need to drag our heads out of the sand and shake it out of our ears and eyes? Because all the leading trauma experts, many of whom are neuroscientists too, can provide clear evidence which match the ACE study findings. These show that the more a child experiences stress and fear the more their development in all areas, and their mental and physical health, are impacted in the short and long term. This is NOT scaremongering but is a call to action.

 In our communities we need to be raising children in a way that works with nature and evolution so that their need to feel and be emotionally seen and connected is the foundation for all areas of their development. This starts with parenting, goes into early years settings and on in to school as a matter of urgency as no child, least of all a traumatizes child, deserves to find out in 10 years’ time that when it came to what they needed most to feel accepted, safe and valued, we DID KNOW BETTER we just DID NOT DO BETTER!!

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The Wounded Tiger Child

I spend many hours with parents, carers and professionals  during 1:1 sessions or when delivering training or speaking at conferences who are struggling with children's behaviour. The children are often lashing out at them, throwing things, verbally aggressive, or losing control with the potential to cause harm to them, others around them and themselves, its distressing and frightening.

Such behaviour is very hard to be around, needs intervention and does not bode well for the child, who is the focus of their concern. The parent, carer or professional is often frustrated and exasperated by the time they find me. They have tried consequences, time out, reasoning, telling off, pointing out what is wrong and why, and incentives to work towards better behaviour, "none of it's working" they tell me in a defeated, anxious, deflated way.

Now, I don't have any magic wands to wipe all of this away but what I do offer is insight into their seemingly 'tiger child' who so often, for no apparent reason, explodes and is impossible to reach or teach at that time. Many describe how they say to the child, "this has to stop" "I won't have any more of this behaviour, the consequence is...." they try to assert authority and try to sound upset and commanding, it doesn't work! Words and a tone which cause more pain and anxiety to the already wounded 'tiger child' yet come from the adults well-intended efforts to teach a child how to behave.

I work with the adults to explore what lies behind this 'tiger' based behaviour, to gently explore the trauma. There will be some, small, medium-sized or big and extensive. Children want to please and get on with us, really they do! Babies are born with a strong drive to emotionally connect with the adults around them so they survive, this doesn't go away. I also look with the adult at their own childhood experiences to look for any trauma they may have lived with too as often they were the wounded 'tiger child' too.

What children who are stressed, anxious and scared, as that is the effect childhood trauma will have upon them, need most is calmness, emotional connection through compassion and kindness and to experience correction as teaching and exploring. As I recently said to a parent, when your child explodes they look like a wounded tiger on the attack, try to see them as a wounded tiger cub who needs you to help them not poke their painful wounds with sharp words and reactions.

Not easy, not straightforward but essential. A wounded 'tiger child' is full of feelings and emotional pain and distress, sometimes that means they are the quietest best behaved tiger in the pack, but often they show their pain through behaviour adults find challenging and take very personally. What every wounded 'tiger child' needs is tender care,a soothing balm for their wounds in the form of genuine kindness and compassion and the offer of an unconditional relationship to start to heal their wounds.

To work with and to find out more about my work with parenting and children impacted by trauma:
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Twitter: @janeparenting2