As someone who has been in abusive relationships without realising it at the time, or for some long time afterwards, and subsequently having spent many, many years working with families impacted by domestic violence and abuse. I find it hard to remain as part of the myth and illusion that it's 'all about power and control'. To my mind that is a 'lazy' assessment which does not get to the heart of the inter generational nature of domestic violence and abuse.
Power and control IS what is primarily used in abusive relationships to induce fear of abandonment, physical and/or sexual assault, loss of much needed money and/or food/heating and other daily basics. Mental and emotional abuse are also very commonly employed to bring a victim to such a place of confusion, isolation, self-loathing, dependency, self-doubt and isolation that they can't think clearly for a moment. Likewise threats to harm children and pets unless there is absolute compliance and submission, and/or encouraging or forcing children into ridiculing and abusing their own parent are all ACTS of power and control are also common.
However, I believe that with out a heightened, research informed curiosity as to why a perpetrator would act to keep someone in a 'relationship' by exercising fear then 'affection', desire then rejection, terror then treats, then there will never be much real hope of reducing domestic violence. Attachment theory and the neuroscience and biology of trauma gives clear insight behind and beyond the long-term feminist perspective of 'power and control', so it seems vital to extend our thinking in order to save lives.
In all my work I rely upon an authentic curiosity as to what relational information and experiences lie behind the presenting issues and problems. With out this I would not be of much use to those struggling to manage and make sense of child to parent violence and other complex family related difficulties. Likewise, I strongly believe we should be looking at the attachment and childhood trauma journey of those who perpetrate violence and abuse in intimate relationships to understand their thinking, emotional needs and actions. Now, I am not seeking ways to excuse violent and abusive behaviour, but I am minded to look at it with my 'trauma glasses' on in order to understand it, and so should the rest of the world!!
We learn everything of importance about our self-worth and how to relate to others within our initial relationships with our main carers. Emotional distance or rejection, anxiety and irritation, unpredictability or harshness cause a baby's brain to experience stress and fear which has a profound impact at the outset.
Levy & Orlans (2014) tell us:
Children with a history of interpersonal trauma are at risk of developing aggressive, controlling, and conduct-disordered behaviors, which contributes to the development of an anti-social personality.
Repeating endlessly that domestic violence is about 'POWER & CONTROL' fails to address what victims and their children REALLY need to be safe and move forward together, so this must change. Post the violence and abuse they need 'trauma informed' support to be able to understand and integrate the impact of the trauma so they can then live beyond it.
Parents must have parenting support which focuses on the relationships they have and want to build with their children as that is what domestic violence steals from them on a daily basis. A clear focus on enabling healthy parent-child interactions offers the best hope of interrupting the cycle of accidentally raising the next generation of victims and perpetrators in intimate relationships but also in child to parent violence.
These are bold statements I know, but seeing the same things for 21 years has led me to this unequivocal stand point - we MUST look beyond simple 'POWER & CONTROL' to end domestic violence now, not in 1 or 2 years time, the research is clear. If not, then many more will have experienced unimaginable suffering by then and their will be more lost lives. It's time to wake up and change the discourse and direction of addressing the route causes of domestic violence and abuse as its long overdue.
To access support & advice - search for the domestic violence helpline in your country but do so carefully, ask a friend or family member to do it if that is a safer option:
Domestic violence helpline USA
Domestic violence resource centre Victoria Australia-wide services
National domestic violence helpline UK
For more information on my work around childhood trauma and my early years story book for children impacted by domestic violence visit my website
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