The Wounded Tiger Child

I spend many hours with parents, carers and professionals  during 1:1 sessions or when delivering training or speaking at conferences who are struggling with children's behaviour. The children are often lashing out at them, throwing things, verbally aggressive, or losing control with the potential to cause harm to them, others around them and themselves, its distressing and frightening.

Such behaviour is very hard to be around, needs intervention and does not bode well for the child, who is the focus of their concern. The parent, carer or professional is often frustrated and exasperated by the time they find me. They have tried consequences, time out, reasoning, telling off, pointing out what is wrong and why, and incentives to work towards better behaviour, "none of it's working" they tell me in a defeated, anxious, deflated way.

Now, I don't have any magic wands to wipe all of this away but what I do offer is insight into their seemingly 'tiger child' who so often, for no apparent reason, explodes and is impossible to reach or teach at that time. Many describe how they say to the child, "this has to stop" "I won't have any more of this behaviour, the consequence is...." they try to assert authority and try to sound upset and commanding, it doesn't work! Words and a tone which cause more pain and anxiety to the already wounded 'tiger child' yet come from the adults well-intended efforts to teach a child how to behave.

I work with the adults to explore what lies behind this 'tiger' based behaviour, to gently explore the trauma. There will be some, small, medium-sized or big and extensive. Children want to please and get on with us, really they do! Babies are born with a strong drive to emotionally connect with the adults around them so they survive, this doesn't go away. I also look with the adult at their own childhood experiences to look for any trauma they may have lived with too as often they were the wounded 'tiger child' too.

What children who are stressed, anxious and scared, as that is the effect childhood trauma will have upon them, need most is calmness, emotional connection through compassion and kindness and to experience correction as teaching and exploring. As I recently said to a parent, when your child explodes they look like a wounded tiger on the attack, try to see them as a wounded tiger cub who needs you to help them not poke their painful wounds with sharp words and reactions.

Not easy, not straightforward but essential. A wounded 'tiger child' is full of feelings and emotional pain and distress, sometimes that means they are the quietest best behaved tiger in the pack, but often they show their pain through behaviour adults find challenging and take very personally. What every wounded 'tiger child' needs is tender care,a soothing balm for their wounds in the form of genuine kindness and compassion and the offer of an unconditional relationship to start to heal their wounds.

To work with and to find out more about my work with parenting and children impacted by trauma:
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