The first episode of Channel 4’s Three Day Nanny Series
proved ‘interesting’! I tweeted a great deal during it to offer another view to
the approach being used as it was VERY ‘behaviour’ focused. By that I mean it
showed that to get a child to listen you just need to use ‘reward bricks’, to
stop unwanted behaviour, time out by a wall, in a bedroom and on a stair will
do it, even though the children who were aged 3 years and under. It seemed to ‘work’
but at what cost? What might do I do differently when I work with a family and
why?
Reviewing the programme in the Guardian,
Sam Wollaston, a parent, felt on balance he would use the Three Day Nanny
and that is what worries me! There are no quick fixes in parenting, it’s about
building a long-term relationship with a child of respect, acceptance and
compassion so they are able to develop good mental health and go on to be the ‘best
version of themselves’.
The main difference in my parenting work is that I focus
upon the parents, their behaviours, reactions and needs, and the relationship
they have built with their children, and each other. First and foremost I use
questions from my Parenting
Impacted by Trauma Fink Cards to shape our conversations. It’s not that I
necessarily believe they have experienced early childhood trauma such as,
domestic violence, adult mental illness, substance dependency or harsh
parenting, but the questions provide opportunities to identify early anxiety,
stress and disconnections for the parents in their childhoods and with their children
now.
For example I might ask:
Q. Did anything make building a relationship with your child
difficult?
Having time to reflect and unpick the earliest part of a
child’s life is crucial as it lays the foundation for the most important
relational experience in a child’s life and is the way their early brain
development starts. If a parent is depressed, exhausted and overwhelmed then
that is what they will show to their baby and this can make things hard for
both of them as they may not get much comfort from being close to each other.
All of this will appear in a child’s behaviour and ability to cope with
difficulties and relationships.
Q. Who was in charge of discipline when you were a child?
Exploring who, as a child, was the person to avoid, or keep
happy, when things had gone wrong, what they did as a punishment, and how it
felt as a child, is not about blame. However, it does shine a light on the
parent’s early brain development and messages about what is acceptable and what
happens when rules are broken or there is ‘bad behaviour’ which often shapes
the parenting of their own children.
Q. How do you know when you are anxious?
Parenting causes anxiety in everyone at some point! Being
aware of how much we take in to daily interactions with our children can be
very helpful in understanding what that does to our behaviour and thinking and
how that impacts our child.
Much of my early work with parents is looking at what has
got them and their children this far, what influences there have been and still
are and what they want to change. I offer insight into brain and child
development and then simple ways of parenting children which fit with this knowledge.
We also are curious about using a ‘double
standard’ in how we react to and treat children as it is often in ways we don’t
appreciate, and would not use with another adult.
Calmness
and emotional connection are the key elements for all parenting as they
offer the optimum conditions for a child to be able to learn which creates
space for clear, yet compassionate, correction to come in. I use and share simple current brain science with
parents, which the Three Day Nanny does not preferring to continue with an
outdated focus on science from the days of Pavlov’s dogs, Skinner’s rats and
pigeons in boxes and J. B. Watson’s white rat.
We know better than this now, and those of us who earn our
living doing, writing and speaking about how to raise children need to ‘up our
game’! It’s time to use the latest, not the most familiar research, to offer parents
and their children the best opportunities.
So please Sam Wollaston, think
again!!
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